It’s always something

Body image. It’s killing me.

Okay, not literally…yet, but it has made a good effort in the past. And the crazy thing is, I never thought I struggled with how my body looked. Yeah, yeah, I know…obviously I had to dislike something to develop an eating disorder, it really wasn’t like that for me though. I used to see those cliche pictures of a girl looking into a mirror and seeing a body reflected that wasn’t accurate at all, and I’d roll my eyes. I became exasperated with how the world saw my predicament.

Until I started looking through the eyes of the world.

I hate to admit this, but many of my actions have come from caring too much about what others think, or caring too little.

I started comparing my body to other women, and wondering why my jeans didn’t fit me like theirs did, why they had clear skin and I didn’t, why they were so at home in their bodies and I wasn’t…and why am I typing this in the past tense? I still do this, every day. I criticize every little “flaw” I have, and then I turn around and preach self-love. I see the hypocrisy, and I’m sure you do too. I’m really struggling with this, with wanting to look different, even though I don’t really want to. I think these thoughts and I have no idea how they were ever introduced into my stream of thoughts.

These thoughts are a huge roadblock to me, because when I really look deep into my heart, I see the root. The twisted gnarled root that is holding all of my negative thoughts and beliefs in place. I try to blame the growth of this huge menace on instances in childhood, on never feeling or being told I was beautiful or perfect. I know the truth though. I know that I don’t value myself, my life, enough to get past this. I see what I’ve been through (which in some cases has been self-inflicted), and I wonder where I even got the notion that I wanted to recover. Some days, I feel like the only thing keeping my head above water is other peoples expectations of me.

I can look at myself with my logical mind, and see a woman who is “getting back to health”, some days I even feel OK when I catch my reflection. Most days, I avoid my body, looking away when I do catch a glimpse of myself. I know I have work to do, and I don’t want to do it. I can’t bear thinking about eating more food. I can’t get over how hard it is for me to plan meals without panicking. I’m told it will get easier, after all it has gotten easier sometimes, hasn’t it?

I want to tell someone who will understand, just how hard this is. What hell my mind is all day every day, how much I hate myself. No one understands, and so I keep to myself, hoping this hatred against my body, my very being, will disappear. I want to get angry, and rage. I want to figure out why these thoughts keep invading my mind, and how to stop them. I want to fight, but Ed is telling me I can’t. And the next logical step is to talk back, to do the thing Ed is telling me I cannot do…until Ed tells me my waist is already too big, my acne is flaring up because I’m not eating healthy foods, my thighs are too big and I begin to believe his lies again.

I’m sick and tired of this cage. Of sitting next to my husband who is eating a delicious lunch, and feeling helpless, like I have no power over emotions and my lack of courage. Of feeling hunger, and reminding myself that I can eat in a half hour. I’m sick of feeling beaten down by something that doesn’t even have a physical presence, unless you count me. I still believe I am not Ed, I’m just trying to figure out who I am without him.

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10 thoughts on “It’s always something

  1. I’m sure there will be days when you feel negative thoughts are trying to overpower you! When you feel more logical & in control, try making a list of all your positive attributes, both physical & mental! Consider illustrating some of these with pictures you’re comfortable with. Then, when you have a day with more negative thoughts, your positive list complete with positive visuals will be a good catalyst toward reversing your negative mind set…….

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  2. You know, for me it’s not about body image in the sense of, as you say, those cliche images. I want to get emaciated in order that the pain I feel on the inside can be seen on the outside. When I’m at a normal weight, everyone assumes I’m happy and loving life. That is furthest from the truth. I still struggle with so much pain and anxiety. I’ve just learned to put on a happy face in order to not lose all my friends. I also feel safe the smaller I am. Why? So I can hide. When I was small enough to fit in a tote, that was great. I used to sleep under my desk even, just to feel safe. My mom’s mantra was “you have to be thin and beautiful in order to be successful.” Well, I think I am really ugly, no matter what anyone says, so I thought, “okay, I’ll just be thin” but of course I am never thin enough to fill that emptiness inside. In fact, the thinner I get, the bigger the emptiness. Ironic isn’t it?

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    • For me, it’s really tough because I want to be healthy, but dealing with the size of my body is too hard for me. I know I’m not fat, but I DO have fat on my body, especially my middle and thighs. I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been at, and my dietician tells me to eat eat eat, it’ll all balance out…however, I see this fat accumulating, and I assume it’ll just keep piling up.

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  3. I hate my body too. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a morbidly obese person with fat on fat on fat. I wish I had control of my food, but my parents force all of it into my fat stomach.

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    • Emmy, I sympathize SO VERY much with you. I am no longer living at home, but I still have dreams of my parents feeding me and being mad that I refuse to comply. I finally got to the point where I wanted to get better, mostly out of guilt for making my family go through this hell with me, but also because I was sick and tired of constantly fighting with myself. I still feel this way, but recovery has been so hard, and I often feel I’m going it alone. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk or vent!!

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