Sometimes, things seem to be going well, almost scary well, like the calm before a storm.
I felt that way these past few weeks, I woke up, excited, knowing I was going to go out and work and see people, and have meals to fill myself up!
Motivation and a sense of new beginnings began following me around, and I accept it, holding on with hope in my heart.
Then, something happens and I stumble and fall on a knee, or scratch my palms with dirt and grit. I lose my hold on all of that hope.
It’s like letting so many helium balloons go, up into the wide open sky.
I start to overthink. I lay in bed, or kneel to put my boots on, and I think “Ok, I don’t know what today will bring…” and if I don’t take that thought and use it to propel myself to the next step of the day, I might get lost.
If I don’t consciously make a decision whether or not to eat, if I’m not gently easing into the mindset that what I’m doing and going through is for me, and that if I want to do well and be well, I must eat…
It’s exhausting. Trying to turn down the whispers and scratches of anxiety in my ears, often is only successful if I stop and tell myself to focus.
If I’m paying too much attention to calories, focus. If I’m worried about my next meal, focus. Trying to stop and bring all of my thoughts into one place.
Getting through the day. Focusing on that next step.
And some days are easier than others. And I don’t know why.
I’m working on learning what make “bad” days so bad, and how I can try to turn a “bad” day into more of a “good” day, so I don’t keep revisiting the same patterns over and over.
I know it’s going to take help, and time. I know it’s going to be hard. I’ve known that for a long time.
Nobody is perfect and it’s not a waste of time if I learned something.