I can

So what do you do when you’re afraid? You face your fear head on. With the facing of this fear comes power and a peacefulness that tells you that this is the right choice.

Yesterday was a day of “I can’t” and “I won’t”. I fought and fought, yet nothing changed. I fought a war in my head, and in my body.

I know I’ve been slipping, and I know I’ve been hiding. 

Thanksgiving morning came and went. I slept in until noon, and only left the house to run a few errands. A cloud of shame and exhaustion followed in my footsteps.

I was torn, knowing that I was giving in when I made excuses and closed my eyes. I avoided dinner, and ate my “safe” foods, asking over and over again: why me?

My head is full of questions and my heart is full of answers, and yet the two never collide. I feel as though I am in a dream, and I honestly cannot see beyond this minute, this second.

Two days have passed since Thanksgiving. I am slowly forgiving my mistakes, and trying to make better choices.

I realized I have an appointment with my dietitian on Monday, and I considered calling to reschedule. I also have an appointment with my therapist.”I can’t handle two appointments next week!” I told myself.

I can.

Today, tomorrow, and Monday I am determined to use my skills for good. I know how to cope best by using Ed. Today, I am looking to my true self, whoever that may be, and choosing compassion. I am doing all I can to drown out Ed.

I wrote down countless quotes last night, building up my backlog of encouragement. I may feel weak, but I know I am strong.

I woke up today with a sense of determination and love. Today, I will choose to be kind. Today, I will nourish myself. Today, I will listen to my hunger.

I am struggling. And I have been.

Recovery and ambition comes and goes. Today I am reminding myself that I can. And even though I didn’t meet my own expectations on Thanksgiving, I am showing myself today that I can make progress in other ways.

Yes, I made decisions on Thanksgiving that I am not proud of. I like to think that I learn from my mistakes, and I have a goal now.

My sights are set on Christmas. I may not find the traditional Christmas meal as tasty as pizza or a burger, and that’s ok. I can eat a meal with my family in the name of tradition, personal goals, and celebration though, and that is what I hope to do next month.

The skills I am using to get there are compassion, accountability, self care, and nourishment. Any and all thoughts, words of encouragement, and prayers are greatly appreciated.

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10 thoughts on “I can

  1. My husband and I were both born with a genetic terminal illness and grew up hearing “You can’t” and “You’ll never” our entire lives. This piece resonated with me because I KNOW that voice and how loudly it can scream at you the more you try and drown it out. My best advice is wage a competition between you and, well, you – Every time you tell you you can’t, you won’t, look you straight in the eye and say “Watch me”. And then show yourself how little you know what you are capable of. It’s a wonderful feeling, overcoming yourself 💜

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    • Thank you so much for commenting (and reading). I love your advice, especially because I hardly ever ACTUALLY look at myself when I am doing self talk. Whether you meant it literally or figuratively, I think it might be really powerful to look in a mirror and tell myself truth and encouraging words. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s so much honesty in your posts, thank you.

    Your wrote: “Today, tomorrow, and Monday I am determined to use my skills for good.”

    I like that but for me, I can’t allow myself to think that way. I am realizing more and more that the only day I can focus on is today. Today I am going to do the best I can, comply with what is required for abstinence, do the next right thing and be ever watchful to those things in myself that would keep me from, as you say, using my skills for good.

    I was never able to live in today because today, or rather the present moment, was the one place I was trying to escape from. I lived in yesterday, as a way to confirm what a horrible person I was, and in tomorrow, what-if’ing myself into anxiety that then resulted in continued ED behavior.

    I had to face myself, as you seem to be doing, therapy, and realize, or more aptly put, accept that the only thing I have control over is what is right in front of me.

    Thank you for your post. It helped me remember that all I can is live today. 🙂

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    • There is so much truth in what you wrote here…I have such a difficult time living in the moment, and you described the feeling perfectly. Living in yesterday and tomorrow…I do that constantly, whether I realize it or not. Thank you for pointing out what is helpful for you. I’m going to try to start focusing on today. The here and now. We’ll see what happens!

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      • Living in today is a long process, at least for me. It took like 2 months to even understand the concept. Such a simple phrase, “just for today,” but it baffled me more than I care to admit. I still struggle with it and have latched on to the phrase, “doing the next right thing.”

        I’m struggling, so heading over to my site to write. It won’t be an inspiring post for sure but it’ll get it out of my head at least.

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  3. When you find yourself unsuccessful in an endeavor, always do the next right thing! When you recognize & correct mistakes, you have already learned valuable information!

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    • Yes! One of the quotes that I have seen and appreciated lately says “It wasn’t a waste of time if you learned something “. I am so happy to learn that when I slip, I CAN get back up and keep going. 💜

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