It’s the milk

Sometimes it can be hard for me to be totally honest on this blog. I’m not always sure if my progress is relevant. However, this past week I had a “proud moment” and wanted to share it.

To get you allll caught up on the situation:

I’ve had a phobia of liquid calories for almost as long as I can remember. I know it’s not logical, and it’s one of the fear food categories I know I will need to do a lot of work on.


This week I decided to challenge myself. One night I skipped my snack, and I made a deal with myself, kind of using the “if/then” method of flexible thinking backwards. 

I told myself that if I didn’t have my snack that night, then I would try some almond milk in my coffee the morning at work. 

I know that might sound pathetic to you, however, to me it’s the equivalent of being phobic about spiders, and then telling myself that to get over that fear I should touch a spider every day.

So the first day was hard, especially because I felt a little sick after sipping on just a half cup of coffee or less. This got me to regretting even trying the vanilla almond milk in my coffee in the first place!

Then I changed the rules, in a good way. I know myself better than anyone else. So I know I have an all or nothing view of the expectations I have of myself.

 I know that when I take a bite of food, I have basically just comitted to finishing that food. I know I avoid liquid calories at all costs, because they cause me to be uncomfortable, and why feel discomfort if I don’t have to?

I gave myself permission to toss the coffee if I grew tired of it, or it became old and cold. I ended up being very caught up in the coffee/milk before drinking it, and when deciding I had had enough. I kept sipping it even after it had become tepid, I was so “attached” to the coffee and the all or nothing mindset, that it was hard for me to jump over that last little hurdle.

Once I threw the old coffee out, I didn’t stew over my consuming it (or lack thereof). It felt nice to confirm that I could face a huge fear and stressor without using behaviors after the fact.

While this is a small victory for me, and I am still obviously working through my feelings and emotions, I wanted to share this story with you, to really illustrate the effects of small events and their impact on someone in recovery. 

Facing things like this is stressful, because even approaching the idea makes me begin to feel uncomfortable. However, I am going to choose to sit with my emotions and feel them. Because, as my favorite saying goes, This too shall pass.


2 thoughts on “It’s the milk

  1. All progress is relevant.. just saying. Someone pointed that out to me after finally being frustrated with my continual discounting of doing or saying anything good, i.e., relevant.

    I apologize but I had to laugh at this but only because I totally get it. Back when I was vegan one of my sources of protein came from soy milk. It was so hard to deal with the sense of feeling full that I would drink several cups of it a day spread out by adding to my tea and coffee. I’ve always drank my coffee black saying, “thats the real way to drink it…etc” but, in truth, it was a caloric thing. But over time I actually preferred my soy milk in my coffee and tea. When I order out I still have to have it “clean” (a word I no longer use with food) because no one has unsweetened soy milk and my body doesn’t tolerate sugar.
    Hmmm, now that I’m getting plenty of protein through other sources maybe I’ll try the almond milk. Everyone I know prefers it. I know that’s not the intention of your post but it did spark that idea!

    I hate liquid calories too. The only time, other than the soy milk, that I got into it was doing green smoothies. And even those I made myself at home so I could have control of the ingredients. Now that I’m no longer able to eat veggies, that is out. I’m fairly certain though that even if I could, I wouldn’t. The ED thought that “liquid calories = weight gain” is irrelevant now.


    • Oh my gosh, after I wrote this I was thinking how silly it was to post it. Especially because deep down I know that I’m not going about this the way that I feel is “right” mentally. I’m getting there though!


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