Cultivation

I’ve been going to bed with a headache.

Maybe it’s my new glasses?

I have a feeling that it’s not.

I look deep inside myself and see a little girl, curled up in a ball.

Waiting.

Waiting for strength, wisdom, and truth.

My mind is a bed of dirt.

My memories and experiences are artifacts.

Digging the trowel in is difficult, and I know it will bring some pain.

What I find in the loamy earth intrigues and saddens me.

All of these things over time have collected and formed who I am.

I touch each found item, marveling at the way it changed me.

Pain, love, beliefs, people.

And who am I?

I have a hutch where I go to gaze upon my life thus far.

All of the trinkets and pieces of myself others that have been laying forgotten in the soil.

It is the only way to heal and receive answers.

I am afraid. And curious.

Some days it is difficult to face what I find.

Accepting my story is an ongoing process.

I look at my collection of experiences, memories, pieces of my life.

Some of the items aren’t pleasant. I acknowledge them, and thank them for the growth they offered.

Every moment has its place. Every coincidence set in place before I could ever conceive it.

I am a conglomeration of time. Moments and years.

You cannot judge a book by it’s cover and you cannot measure a life’s worth by accomplishments made.

I am finding my place. I am discovering peace.

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5 thoughts on “Cultivation

  1. Wow, I feel like I could have written this! Even though I’m recovered I’m still in therapy, dealing with the early stuff that got me sick in the first place. Fortunately it no longer rules how I live my life right now but during those sessions, when I’m in touch with that part of my life, all the vulnerability comes back.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I really love your writings. If you ever published a book, I’d be first in line. I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t be the only one who identifies. When I was still quite ill I wouldn’t have been able to read these and understand the subtlety as well as the complexity of what you write. I am not often online, as is obvious by the 5 day delay to reply. For some reason the app is not great at showing when people reply. I’m so glad I saw this though.

        FYI, it is extraordinarily difficult to get to your blog. When the blog link or your user ID is clicked it goes to a page that says you’ve deleted this blog and it’s no longer available. I got here by clicking on my own reply. WordPress help could assist with this unless this is as you wish for anonymity.

        Like

      • Thank you!! You are so kind. I’m going to look into this issue, because I was not aware of how difficult it is to find me/my blog!

        Like

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