So you’ve come to the realization that you have a sort of “negative narrative” going on most days. This isn’t necessarily saying that you’re a negative person, it’s just you having negative thoughts.
It’s really hard to shut that stuff off, when you’ve been doing it for so long. Telling yourself that the little whispers of thoughts, of “you’re not good enough” and “no, you’re OK” from Ed are something to believe.
Not always pinpointing why you’re having the thoughts and beliefs, but why you believe them. Trying to curl up and listen to what you’re feeling.
Some days are better than others, it comes and goes. And this is a journey. It’s scary sometimes, to look closely at details.
And the freedom you feel, as your feet hit the pavement and you feel strong again. The pride and awe you feel when you realize the next day that it was moving your body just because, not because shame was involved.
And this is how change happens, slowly, but surely. Just like turning those negative thoughts around.
Shame and guilt have followed you around for years. The shame a veil you peer through, the guilt a heavy backpack that gets more cumbersome every day.
You know no one else can hold the weight of your troubles but you. Some days it doesn’t even seem possible to speak the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. The thought itself causes a sigh to escape your lips.
You never imagined there were so many layers of complicated thoughts and emotions. Where to even begin?
Who are you without the thing you’ve been living with for a decade? Who is that floating in front of the mirror? These questions haunt you.
And you can’t imagine living through the next day, not because you want this life to end, but because you’re so tired.