A year ago today, I was feeling the farthest thing from peace possible. My life has never been like what you see in the movies, more of like what you would see in the tabloids. The headline of my life so far would be something like “Meiner, no longer a minor, starves herself to look like one” or “Young woman refuses treatment that could save her life“. I didn’t seek out the drama, it showed up one day and stayed with me for years.
When anorexia started to steal my marriage, I often had the thought that I should just get over it, just eat and maybe everything would fall into place. I see now that while eating does help a lot, I wasn’t capable of getting to a place where I could eat without cursing myself for every bite. Not alone, at least. It took me years to open up to treatment again. Anorexia is a hateful, secretive disease, and I just wanted to avoid it and hope it would either go away eventually, or I’d somehow live with it forever. I am not saying that I don’t avoid disordered eating completely now, and I am also not saying that I don’t hide. I do. But I’m learning ways to cope, and not let things build up as much.
I just got back from (what I hope) is the final pass of cleaning at the cottage I rented for a year, and am now moving out of. I thought I might have really mixed feelings, or horrible withdrawals from the little island of solitude I had created. So far though, I feel super confident in my decision to let that part of my life go, and move on. I never really got to live with Dan, it was more like I haunted him or something. I really only remember feeling this dark shroud surrounding me on those days and months after our wedding. I know there were happy times, and the memories of them surface now as well, but I always felt very removed from our relationship. Now I am trying to be more present and mindful.
So much has changed in a year! I am so much happier with my life in general, Which I attribute to soooo many things. To name a few: moving from a full-time job to a part-time position as a barista, blogging and not living with my problems in silence, eating more meals with my husband (especially pizza), eating ice cream every night for dessert, being on medication that works for me, and knowing I am being proactive in my recovery. There have been so many things along that way that have gone right, and so many that went wrong, but turned out to be right in the end.
Right now, I feel peace. I have moments of anxiety, but it’s about small things that can be resolved easily. This past week was a little hectic, with me moving out (I did it a little early because…anxiety), and I think I am still getting adjusted to living full-time at home. I realized the other day that I haven’t felt this way in a long time though. Kind of like I’m ready for anything. This peace I feel isn’t absolute, and I bet you it will pass, but for the moment, I am living in it and loving it!