Only on some days

I would be lying if I told you I don’t miss me

The only me I knew for years and  years

This feeling comes and goes and I might have told you I felt differently a month ago

But today and yesterday I lay here feeling for bones

I have grief for my body before and though I don’t weep tears sometimes I long to feel that way again

Not sick or frail or suicidal, but light and weightless and floating above the world

Better than and less than and not caring if I survive another day

It wasn’t fun, no but in a way it was all I knew

Don’t you think a picked flower longs for the field it once swayed in?

Doesn’t the rescued puppy whine for the companion it once had in the pound?

Only on some days 

I say I wouldn’t trade how I feel now for anything but I turn around and struggle to put on that old pair of jeans

And I think maybe it wasn’t so bad

Maybe I liked it better than this

Lies

I know they’re lies

But when I sit on the couch and say I feel fat it’s the truth

“Fat is not a feeling” they say

But it can be, it is

I can feel fat

But I have to learn to fight, to be stronger than that voice

I know this

My memory lapses and I forget to talk back

So I have a bad moment, not a bad day

Progress, not perfection

I pinch my belly but I eat the ice cream

Because if I didn’t what would be my excuse?

I don’t have one so I move on

And tomorrow morning I will have a clean slate

No more I was good yesterday so it’s ok, or I was bad yesterday so no breakfast for me

Fresh beginnings 

Some days I need them more than others 

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3 thoughts on “Only on some days

  1. Wow I really love this, this expresses so perfectly how I feel even after recovering from an eating disorder, but yeah thank you this is so relatable. Hope you’re okay☺️

    Like

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