A plate of spaghetti 

Oh how I wished my car would spontaneously combust 

Or that somehow I would lose control of the wheel

Because I definitely had lost control

I was manic

The anger and hatred bubbled up inside

And how I wanted to cry. Sob until there was nothing left

I can’t cry for myself anymore

I am a lost cause

Anxiety builds in me

For this month that is already going so fast

My birthday month

I always have trouble on my birthday

And I wake up feeling so content

Knowing these happy moments won’t last

I’m a ticking time bomb

I am dangerous 

I should start wearing “caution ” signs

I long to love myself in some way 

If not for me, for him

Somehow I always fuck things up

It must be in my DNA

I can’t love myself, so I hate

Oh, you didn’t know this about me?

Well I’ve worked hard to hide it

Maybe hoping somehow these false feelings will take

I can’t bear to see the sorrow and pity I conjure 

So I run away

I dream of not being able to find you

Of fights that will never happen, because we speak in whispers and sobs

What if I were to disappear 

Leaving dusty roads and storms in my wake

Would I be free?

Would you?

I cringe at the pain I have brought upon this union 

For better or for worse has never been either or

It’s been worse and I know it

I’m selfish 

Believing this cloud only covers me

Apologies are not enough

I wish they were

But wishes are things for dandelions and eyelashes 

Dreams fading on the horizon before they ever fully appear 

I wish to be a woman who loves fiercely and gives freely 

A woman who treats others as she treats herself (because finally these two things are aligned)

A woman who sips coffee and ruminates over times past

Instead I smile falsely 

Walking like a zombie silently pleading that familiar face not to notice me

It started with a plate of spaghetti 

Slipping sliding noodles 

All over the floor

It ruined my day

But then I moved on

Two days later, here I am again

My heart feels shriveled

“Like a cocklebur” I voice to my husband 

How to move on?

I sit in my chair, listless and weightless 

I imagine tomorrow and can’t see anything but sadness 

I can’t speak, this cloud is covering me completely 

This piece was written earlier this week when I had a severe depressive episode. I’m still trying to bounce back, but hey, I’m here. If anyone reading this has had sudden highs and lows (after a trigger or otherwise) I’d love to hear your story. I have a suspicion my mood swings could be related to medication, but I haven’t received a professional opinion as of yet.


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