Sick of this

Why does it feel so good to deny myself nourishment?
I read all of the materials, I nod in agreement.
And yet…
And yet I still question my hunger. 

I still question my cravings.
I still remember quietly flipping the pages of Seventeen and seeing the article on “health”.
I remember the feeling of awe I had when I read that sometimes I may not be hungry, I might just be dehydrated! 
Thank you, Seventeen. (I hope you catch my sarcastic tone).
That little trick still creeps into my head at least once a day. It does, and yet I just now truly realized it.
All of my old habits and thoughts play like background noise, all day everyday. I barely even register it anymore.
Mindfulness, Lydia. Be mindful.
Do you know how hard it is to constantly question hunger cues, and then immediately question why I’m having those doubts in the first place? 
It’s exhausting.
I never realized exactly how I felt about my body.
I still don’t totally know.
I’ve never felt at home. Not here.
Put in the words of a body positivity activist, I suppose I’ve always felt like I live in a larger body.
I know I’m not overweight, I do.


But.
I have always felt ashamed of the spaces I fill. 
Always felt uncomfortable, out of place.
Always wanted to disappear.
And yet I believe all bodies are good bodies.
How messed up is that?
I don’t understand, I really don’t.
This is where ed comes in. I have to let go somewhere.
The guilt is too large otherwise.
It must be ed placing these beliefs inside me. 
Was he with me on the day of my birth?
Because he feels like fate.
I don’t want him, he’s not welcome here.
He’s taken enough of my time.
But he’s still here, sticking around like a stray puppy.
I want to give him attention, pat his little head. 
But I know he’s not supposed to be here, he belongs somewhere else.
I can’t encourage this kind of behavior. 
And yet I don’t do enough to stop it.
I shoo ed away, gently try to suggest he walk the other way.
It’s not enough!
I can think “I should get more Calcium” and pop a vitamin in my mouth.
And yet I hesitate to sip on milk.
“I don’t really like it”.
Translates into “I don’t really need it”.
I can’t even trust myself.
I definitely can’t trust ed.
It’s time to start fighting again.
Because I detest status quo.

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