You find yourself turning from left to right. 

Labels and numbers scroll past on your closed eyelids. 

“Stop. Just stop” you say out loud. 

Packages and bags. Boxes and tubs. 

Your hand reaches for a “diet” food. You know this won’t nourish you, not really

What do you want? Isn’t that the question? 

Cashews. Delicious. Your mouth waters. You know you want something savory, at least there’s that.

Carrots. Those glowing orange vegetables that you have eaten almost every day for the past nine years. No. No way. Not today.

Your eyes fall on the pouch of sweet little peanut butter bites. You’ve never had them before. Why not try them today?

You reach up, above your head. You pick the pouch up and remove it from the top of the refrigerator. You grab a container and shake a random amount out.

You almost look at the calorie count, but instead, focus on the protein. Anything to dismiss the calories. You don’t even like math, so stop counting.

(This is a big deal.)

Earlier this week you took a bag of pita chips and hummus, and sat down and ate until you were satisfied. 

The whole container of hummus was right in front of you. You could have had the whole thing, or only one bite.

 No one was watching. You had control. You ran with that control and crossed the finish line. You won.

(That was a big deal.)

You buy food for yourself, almost without hesitation.

You eat new foods almost without hesitation.

You are taking care of yourself, with no hesitation.

(This is a big deal.)

Every day is a battle. Sometimes big, sometimes small. You win some, you lose some. What matters is your choices. Choosing to fight. Choosing to be mindful. Choosing to love. Choosing to be present.

{What astonishes me, in looking back, is all of the ways I have changed in less than a year. I’ve grown several sizes. My clothes fit, and it’s scary sometimes, but also good. I’ve become less anal about pretty much…everything. I’ve loved more, and cared more. I’ve moved to a new job that is so wonderful, and made a friend again, finally. I’ve taken days off, and gone on vacation and day trips. I’ve discovered that I don’t always only want the vegetables. I’ve eaten pancakes with butter and syrup. (I then took a sip of Diet Coke and realized how fake it can taste.) I’ve added cream to my coffee. I’ve written more than I ever have in my life. I’ve laughed, and cried. I’ve been horribly depressed, delightfully happy, and everywhere in between. I’ve lived.}



2 thoughts on “Choosing 

  1. I’ve been there, a couple of times. I’d like to get back there again. What an encouragement to read that you made it. Not to say that it’s easy or constant, but the fact that you could write this entry shows the work you’ve obviously done. Thank you for this!


    • It’s so hard! It’s something you can want with all of your being, but still can’t have. It has to happen on its own. Thank you for reading!!

      Liked by 1 person

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