Stagnant

I’m a people pleaser. I like my family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances to like me. Even if I don’t like them. It’s hard wired into me. So lately I’ve felt a little disappointed in myself. And disappointing to my family and friends.

I feel like I have come to a stagnant place. It’s swampy here, and hard to move around. I’m not sure if I should try to back up, or risk going forward.

I really don’t know what I am so afraid of. I’ve been racking my mind, trying to pinpoint just what is keeping me back. I like food. I am trying to accept my body. I am kind of afraid of gaining weight, but I don’t know why, because I’m really not.

I feel like someone else has taken over my brain. Someone who has always counted calories, based their worth off of the number on the scale, and gravitated towards “diet” foods. Where did this come from, and why do other people have it too? Aren’t our brains amazing? When something horrific happens, a person may develop PTSD. When depression is genetically prevalent boom, depression sets in. Some people stress eat, some restrict.

The pathways in my brain feel like they are sparking. I hope new ones are being formed. It feels like this is out of my control, butt thoughts and how I respond to them…I can change that.

I feel like a little kid again. Trying to “help” and messing everything up.  Am I doing this right? Is there a recipe to follow, or is this just a free for all? Annnnd I just put in a teaspoon of baking soda instead of the baking powder the recipe called for.

I do want to keep doing this. It’s hard when I don’t feel like I am succeeding, or making progress. I want to make other people happy with me. But I also want to be happy with myself. It feels like I am just living day to day. It’s hard for me to envision the future. I’m uncertain, but aren’t we all?

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