Honestly, I’ve been having some tiny, partial relapses lately. I’m trying not to let them pull me down, but it’s hard. To combat all of the things I am constantly dodging and trying to get through (food choices, bad days, food, eating, thinking too much, meals) I have been doubling up on my podcast listening and have joined a challenge (for eating disorder recovery) for the month of April in an attempt to break free from this cell I am still trapped in.
My previous post was pretty dark. I wasn’t in a good place when I wrote it, and didn’t really know what to write. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me, it’s like a journal somewhat, and sometimes I write just to write, other times I have a mission. Missing: was a little bit of both. It feels like I should thank readers of this blog for sticking with me and reading, but you know, some people might be reading this for no reason or just because. If you’re here to support me, you know who you are (thank you!) and I know you will treat me with compassion and respect and understand when I have rough times.
Lately it feels like the calorie counting is coming back…and yet it’s not. I can’t actually say I’m calculating everything and making sure I’m staying under a certain number– I’m not (thank God). It’s more of an in-the-moment thing. It doesn’t last all day like it used to, and usually it’s not intentional. It’s like instinct. I’m having a tough time with the whole intuitive eating thing, I’m just not there yet even though I want to be. And actually, since I’m putting it all out there, my body image, self worth, and confidence has been lacking as of late. My goal here is to be honest. If I don’t write about something, I’m probably still processing it before or after I’ve brought it up with someone on my “recovery team”.
I’m still horrible at communicating, even though I want to be better. I still beat myself up about what I did or didn’t say. Guess what? I just realized right now that I’m probably being too hard on myself, as usual. Yes, I’m struggling. What’s new? Yes, I fluctuate between better and worse. But I’m trying. For a few days I didn’t feel like it. Fortunately, that faded away. Feelings come and go, nothing changes overnight. I can find comfort in the fact that I have come so far. If I stumble and lose my footing, I can stand to veer off track for a few steps. As long as I find my way back. Progress, not perfection.