Wake from a night full of vivid dreams. Usually something along the lines of someone you love leaving you, or a nightmare about your previous place of employment. Lay in bed and check in with your stomach. Are you hungry? Breakfast is coming either way. If it’s a morning when you have to work, you usually stay in bed until the last possible minute, soaking up the warmth and comfort of your bed.
Get up and shuffle to the bathroom. Look in the mirror and groan at the state of your hair. It’s a tangled mess, sticking up every which way. Brush your hair, use the toilet. Pick up your beauty blender sponge and your make up compact and swirl it around. Find your trusty eyeliner and make a quick, efficient sweep around your sleepy eyes.
Peek into your closet and choose a shirt. Probably something with long sleeves, just in case you get chilly. Maybe choose a new pair of jeans or leggings and socks. Change, and put on your glasses. By this time you have turned on your iPod and begun listening to a podcast. It keeps your mind churning with ideas for recovery. Gallop downstairs and gather your purse, book, Kindle, keys (breakfast, if you’re working). Sweep a look around to make sure you have everything.
Walk out the door, pull it shut behind you, rattling the windows. Compulsively check the mailbox. You never know when a piece of mail might appear. What magazine might show up today? Maybe it will only be bills and junk mail. Or maybe a letter!
Walk to your car, hitting the unlock button constantly, over and over. Get inside and start it up, noting that you will need to go get gas soon. Sigh. Gas. You keep putting it off, but you know when you do finally go get some, you will pull up beside pump 6, what has become “your pump” in a way. Back up, turn up your podcast, switch to “drive” and pull out of the driveway. Today you could be on your way to work, or your parents house for breakfast. If you go to your parents, you will greet your family and dog, and set about making French toast. If you go to work, you will…go to work! After eating breakfast, think about lunch.Then try to steer your thoughts somewhere else for a while. And then debate about having coffee, though it sounds good coffee usually makes you feel sick. Not worth the risk today.
Early afternoon now. Get home, sometimes after running errands. Check the mailbox again. Sometimes you get nothing in the mail, which is always disappointing. You love mail. Go inside and take off your coat and shoes. Time for lunch. What will you have? Lunch is always the hardest for you. Your fridge has options, but ed has opinions. Lately you’ve been eating a lot of the same stuff. You pour out some ranch dip and grab some baby carrots. You reach to the top of the fridge and pull down a bag of pita chips (so good!). You decide to have some crackers and cheese also. M&M ‘s will be your “fun food”. Try not to think about calories. If you do, tel yourself calories are irrelevant. You sit down and eat, usually while looking at a magazine or reading a book. You try to be mindful, but sometimes that hurts you more than it helps.
Lunch is over, so you pick up the book you’re reading and read and read and read. If you get sleepy sometimes you start to drift off as you read. If you’re tired enough, you’ll fall asleep for a while. Sometimes in the afternoons you take care of your plants and terrariums. Other times you organize and clean. Sometimes you intentionally take a nap. If it’s a nice day, you can be found reading outside. Wonder what you will have for dinner.
Dinner is usually with your husband, but sometimes your parents. Either way, you know you will be eating enough, and ed won’t be quite as loud. There’s always a little anxiety around food, but usually not as intense as it used to be. And every night you have dessert, which is always delicious. In the evenings you watch TV, read, browse Instagram and Pinterest. Sometimes you do yoga for a 20 minute session. You find that being mindful of your breathing is so very calming. Honestly though? You’re already thinking of your bedtime snack.
It’s almost 11:00 and time for bed. Sometime before this you have had a snack of some kind. Usually a granola bar (or two!). You brush your teeth and wash your face, lamenting over a pimple or two. Take your pills. Remember that iron supplement you always forget. Get in bed and read for an hour or so, or whenever you start to drift off. Turn over and fall asleep.