Most days, I hate mirrors. I know I’m not the only one, and that body image is a huge issue and topic, especially among women. I know that I have never had a positive body image. Even when I was a young girl, my knees were too knobby, my nose was too big, my elbows too pointy. I think it’s normal for people (maybe especially females) to be hyper-aware of their bodies at some points in our lives. I also know that eating disorders and negative feelings toward your own body often go hand in hand. There were months, years when I didn’t feel great about my body, but I didn’t really care or do anything to change it. This involved anything from how I dressed to how my hair looked. I didn’t care. But it wasn’t a happy-go-lucky not caring. It was an I-don’t-value-myself-enough-to-care not caring.
My body was like a prison, keeping me here on earth when I didn’t care to be here anymore. I didn’t want to look good, because I didn’t feel good. I don’t think I even wanted to feel good anymore. I was just done. I still struggle with not feeling pretty or looking good enough. I don’t really care, or so I tell myself. But I still see other women who are just so perfect and gorgeous, and then I start to compare and become dissatisfied. I realize I do care. It’s almost got to be hardwired into us as females to want to look beautiful. And we are pummeled with this message that we have to be perfect, from the left and the right and oh look, there’s Jennifer Lawrence with her glowing face and perfect body that has for sure been photoshopped but looks so real. How can I ever live up to that? I can’t. And I don’t want to, not in my true heart of hearts. I know it doesn’t matter, and I could be the most beautiful woman to walk this earth and still not be happy. There are so many more important things.
I’ve been having a rough time with this lately, probably because I have been steadily gaining weight. This is something I want, and that I know is necessary. But it feels so…shallow. I’m above all of that, right? No! I’m not. And I have to work every day to make myself level my expectations and be more realistic. I do something to take my mind off of it. I wear clothes that are comfortable, and aren’t too tight. I wear my makeup the way I think it looks best (which takes extra time, but does wonders for my self-esteem. I know, makeup, but I’m not hiding behind it.). I want to get better at being more mindful and conscious of my feelings surrounding my body, and talk back to the negative self talk going on. I think it’s important, because I realize that some days I see a really icky face looking back at me in the mirror, and others I see the real me. I know my brain is playing tricks on me. And I also know how good I feel when I’m feeling beautiful.
This isn’t about me throwing a pity party. I don’t want (or expect) readers to tell me how beautiful I am. Nope, this is simply an honest, transparent post about how I feel a lot of the time. And it’s OK, because I get through it and am ultimately working towards being content with myself in all the different ways. I’ll get there. And if you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in all of this drivel, I’m here to tell you that you’ll get there too. It’s so easy for me to look in the mirror and notice my face being chubbier, with a little bit of a neck roll going on. I will often lament my feelings to my husband by saying “my face is fat!” . For some reason I’ve been able to handle my thighs getting bigger and my waist expanding (though I have gone off about my muffin top a few times!) but my face is just so different. It’s all so different I guess. If this is what it takes for me to be healthy, then I’ll just have to come to terms with that. And I hope that day comes soon. But until then, I’ll just keep working towards that, it’s all I can do.