It’s OK not to be OK

I have a handful of podcasts I listen to when I have time. The other morning I woke up super early, and couldn’t get back to sleep. Instead of getting frustrated about just laying there, I decided to see what podcast episodes I had to catch up on. “All The Books” is a favorite of mine, but I won’t have a new episode of it until Tuesday. A few podcasts hadn’t downloaded completely, so those were out. Scrolling down I recognized a name in one of the subtitles. Kelsey Miller. Kelsey is, in a word, amazing. She wrote a book recently called “Big Girl” which I could totally relate to, and every woman should read (I’m not just saying this, she is so very with it when it comes to how we feel about our bodies). The podcast is called Food Psych, and I’ve enjoyed previous episodes so I started playing the episode, knowing I would probably be awake for the duration of it. Sometimes music or quiet voices lull me to sleep, but Kelsey Miller and the host of the podcast, Christy Harrison? This was gonna be good.

I was half awake, but I’m pretty sure this is the episode I took away a really profound question from. And that is: when I am starving myself or cutting or denying myself whatever…what am I needing? Obviously I am having horrible feelings and responding to them, but what emotions and feelings are they? Fear? Hatred? Shame? Hurt? How about all of the above…the trick is finding ways to practice self-care during these spells. Whether that is taking time for yourself, eating a favorite food, watching a TV show or movie, listening to music, going for a drive…the list goes on and on. You are the only one who knows what you need. But just because you are the one acknowledging how you feel and what you might need, doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help or tell someone what’s going on (I need to take this advice myself, probably more than I realize).  Sometimes you might not know what you need, and that’s OK too. I guess my point is: it’s OK not to be OK, as long as we are working towards being OK…OK?

I hate to admit it, but I’ve felt so good since I began trying to come back from the edge of destruction, that it’s really hard to accept it when I don’t feel good. It was really crappy to have to deal with my body when suddenly my uterus woke up a few weeks ago. I wasn’t prepared, in fact I was in denial that I would ever have to face that particular problem again. It sucks when I feel sad or depressed. Everything can be just fine, but sometimes I’m not. Often, there’s no rhyme or reason. Hormones? The moon? Who knows. I caught myself thinking the other day that my life had no purpose. I began to have obsessive thoughts about how unhappy I must make my family. I hate wallowing in my depression, it’s so selfish and annoying. An endless cycle.

So when I feel depressed, why am I feeling that way? Is my life so unhappy? Do I have any reason to complain? What do I need in those moments? What is my body telling me? Sounds to me like I need a healthy dose of self-care. I’m working on it. I’m working on it.

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