This past week I had an appointment with my therapist. Nothing against her at all(she’s the best), but every time I have an appointment I dread it. I think it’s ed rearing his head and getting angry that I’m finding help. Or maybe it’s my introvert tendencies rising to the surface. Perhaps it is my unfounded belief that asking for help is a no-no. I don’t really know…but each time I go to an appointment I feel better afterwards, so there is no reason for me to be nervous beforehand.
At this particular appointment we talked a lot about recent “events” (I.e. my period making a comeback) and how I felt during that time. I was honest, telling her that it was a very traumatic time for me, actually. That it was painful and horrible, though not to the extent of when I was 13, and that I couldn’t handle what my now healthy body was doing. She is so understanding and wonderful, guys…just…I never feel judged by her or like she isn’t hearing what I am saying. In fact, I often feel like she hears even what I am not saying. I have felt so much commitment, love, and support this time around and all in my small hometown.
I wanted to share what I am considering a breakthrough with all of you. My therapist mentioned my “life-script” a lot the other day. At first I was just thinking that was a different way to refer to my life and my story, but then I really thought about what she said. Life script. So if I look at life like a book that is being written, or a movie or a play…I am the author. Authors have a lot of power over their stories, right? They can make characters be born, kill them off, create marriages and divorce. A job may be accepted, it may be lost. What if I were the author of my life? Not that I am God, not that in the least. I know that there are some things that can’t be changed. But authors aren’t God. They’re just telling a story, right?
So in my role as an author, I have a life all set up. Some things have happened in the past that I’m not proud of. I have a family that loves me and more friends than I’ve ever had up to this point. We’re kind of jumping in, in the middle of my story now. Because for so long, I didn’t have this insight. I forgot who the author of my story was and ed kind of took over. But I’m not really seeing good things coming from his pen, so now it’s my turn. Let’s see if I can turn this around, right some wrongs.
First, let’s get rid of ed, right? Well, that’s been kind of difficult because he’s quite proud of the story he has been writing. He thinks it’s some kind of masterpiece. But I have to have some back story, so I’m not going to give all of his work up to this point over to him. After all, I did start out as the main character and author in my story, so ed doesn’t have sole ownership. He still likes to hang around and see how things are going now and then. Cause a little mischief. Fine I can deal with that. He’s a nuisance but whatever. So ed is kind of out of the picture. Next I was really wanting to work on removing some of the nasty stuff ed had going on. He thought it would be cool to make the main character miserable, and really just a sad person all around. Slowly, so as not to startle anyone, I brought some new characters into the mix and got some good things going. Soon, the main character was beginning to have a life that wasn’t so difficult.
Do you see where I’m going with this? I have choices. Some things my happen that I don’t have control over. That’s ok, that’s life. But the way I write what happens, the choices I make to combat the bad and enhance the good…those are all mine now. Isn’t that exciting to think about, in your own life? It’s empowering, I think. Not that I will control everything that happens in my life. Not that I want to. I don’t. Looking at life this was is interesting, especially since I’m a writer. I can relate to the concept well, and I think my therapist knew that.
So what happened in my story this week? Well, I survived my first period in many, many years. I took responsibility of the situation and contacted my doctor because as she says, she has “tricks up her sleeve”. What a relief because if not,
I honestly think I would be looking at relapse. I relaxed a lot but also worked some. I became super paranoid around the time I got my period and was convinced someone was trying to break into my house (come to find out, I’m not the only person who suffers from paranoia around that time of the month…it’s a real thing). I had a mini plumbing crises, but that didn’t make me have an anxiety attack, thankfully. My story is coming along slowly but surely. In subtle ways I am penning things in here and there to make the changes I like. My life script is full of plot holes and mini tragedies, but if I do say so myself, I think it is coming along quite nicely.