The reason why

I felt so good. I was doing so well. And then…the one thing that I knew would trip me up for sure…perhaps the reason why I began restricting in the first place, all of those years ago…came back.

I don’t want to compare this to something inappropriate. I know that for lots of women, this monthly phenomenon is routine. So you must keep in mind that phobias are real, right? And trauma is real. And fear and loathing. I know there are much worse things out there, but to my thirteen year old self, this was as bad as it got. Please remember that I was scared out of my mind. So now, nine years later my mind immediately jumps back across the years and feels the fear, shame, pain and agony.

I had no forewarning this time. I was happily going about my business, running errands and eating breakfast. I thought I was just constipated. No. Not even close. I immediately texted my husband and he told me to come home. He knows how scared I am. He is a problem solver, and looked some information up on the internet about supplements I should take that might help remedy things and prevent me from being as miserable as last time. He even offered to pick stuff up at Walmart for me.

All this time  I am murmuring and mumbling to myself in my head. “What am I going to do? What about work? What if it’s as bad as last time?”

I’m scared. I don’t want this. Not now and maybe not ever. I know it signifies me being healthier and my body healing. I know it’s normal and good. But something inside me always hoped it would never come back. It’s like, my body is doing this thing I don’t want it to. I know I should feel good about this progress, but it’s hard. It’s so hard.

So today I wear a shirt my wonderful mom bought me that states on the front “choose courage”, and I will survive, just like every other woman in history with this affliction has. I will press on, and choose courage, because even though ed is whispering that I know how to stop this, in fact I mastered it quite long ago. Even though he tells me that I am failing him, that see? He is my friend! He’s able to take away all of my pain. Even though it would be so easy…I am stronger than him now. Take courage.

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