A week ago–
I woke up counting calories last night. This has happened to me before, and it is usually a prelude to dreams (nightmares) about eating things I don’t want to, or being forced to eat. A few days ago I had a really “bad” body day. I ate breakfast fine, even had some coffee. But then in the afternoon I just felt uncomfortable in my body. I felt irritable and scratchy. Like I wanted to rip my skin off. I think I may have felt this way because on Friday night I put on some jeans and they fit weird. All of a sudden I was much too aware of my body and being larger in places than I had been before. My thighs. My waist. They are growing. I have taken to wearing leggings or yoga pants when I can, because I feel better when I wear them. I know some day I will have to face my jeans, this week probably. When I put on clothes and they fit me “right”, I usually respond in one of two ways. One, I am excited I can wear something I haven’t in ages. Or two, I am overtaken by Ed and he pinches the fat around my middle and circles his hands around my legs, showing me how they aren’t small enough for his long fingers and broad palms to span them anymore.
He reminds me that this might be forever. My body will never be as small as it is today again. That’s a hard truth to face. It’s not like I enjoy being the smallest adult in the room, but it has been me for so long. I need to find a new identity, and right now I’m not sure what that will look like. Will I be the funny one? The weird one? The strong one? I try to remind myself I don’t have to BE anything. I can just be me, whatever that turns out to be. All of my work seems temporary. Ed whispers that this doesn’t have to be forever, I am an expert at losing weight. I can do it again. I have to shut those whispers out though, because the truth is; I can’t go back. These changes I make? All or nothing. Steps backward are ok if I take two steps forward. Otherwise I will just keep going back and back and back.
I had my first ever caramel macchiato. Last night I had a doughnut for the first time in forever. This past week has been super stressful, and I feel like demons are on the prowl. But with support from my family and friends, I am hanging in there. I feel good physically, and much more stable mentally. I am now able to bounce back from tough situations without taking much, if any damage. I am loving how mild our fall here has been. It’s been so beautiful and I have been able to enjoy the sun, sitting outside and reading. I’m also really excited to be starting a new job next week. Hopefully I’ll have some extra free time and be able to participate in more family events and hang out with friends more. I’m trying to focus on the things that matter in life. So many years, I spent my days hating myself and my life. Now each day seems brighter, and I am confident that whatever comes my way, I have the tools and resources to live through it and thrive.