It has been years since I walked into a restaurant and ordered ice cream of any sort. For so long, if anyone had invited me along on an ice cream run, I either turned them down, or went along but didn’t get ice cream. Usually this would happen in the summer, sometimes it was when my aunt and uncle were in town. They always liked to visit the local Dairy Queen and get Blizzards. One time I went along and got a diet soda instead of ice cream. I know my aunt was worried about me, and she made the comment that she said she’d buy us ice cream, making it obvious she didn’t approve of my antics. I felt so sad that I couldn’t do that for her, or for myself. I just couldn’t.
This past week, I reached my own little milestones. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich (I’m twenty two, I can have a grilled cheese sandwich! <—–if you get this reference, I love you) that my husband made for me. It was delicious, and I think I spent less than a millisecond thinking about the butter used to make it. I went out for milkshakes with my sister in law and got a salted caramel milkshake…it was delicious and I don't regret one sip. Honestly? I wish there would have been more! I found myself not thinking that I'll have to restrict later, but instead wondering how the rest of my days eating will go. I know that all kinds of people eat ice cream and drink shakes…but the fact that my beautiful sister in law sat across from me and said "these are pretty big, you don't have to eat the whole thing" and then joined me in slurping down every last drip of our shakes, makes me feel so good. Eating is normal. All kinds of foods are normal. I can try to be normal. The people that are eating with me, are showing me that food is OK, I am OK, and things are going to turn out to be fine. Because this time, there's no going back.
I have been so fortunate to have had very few side affects so far, in regards to upping my food intake and how my body is reacting. No swelling or vomiting. So dizziness or blurry vision. A few days ago my legs began to feel really odd. Like my veins or muscles were about to pop. It was kind of painful to walk and stand, but if I sat I would be ok. No one said anything about this issue…but apparently when you have been starving yourself, your muscles decide to break down. And now that I am getting sufficient nutrients, my body is beginning to heal. Which is a very good thing. I have never gotten to this point in recovery before, so I feel like everything is going to be unknown territory from here on out.
Another milestone I am oddly excited about is that…my dress pants fit! I have two pairs of pants that I have been holding onto for quite some time. Years ago I was able to wear one of the pairs, no problem. The other pair I got more recently and have never been able to wear, my waist was simply too tiny. Now, I don't necessarily feel like I have gained much weight, but I guess I have gained enough to be able to wear both pairs of pants. I feel kind of like I want to tell everyone. But most people probably wouldn't care, so…but anyway, I'm excited.
I'm excited, I feel good, I get this yummy hunger in the morning in anticipation of breakfast. I have not chewed sugar free gum for weeks and I hardly miss it (I used to chew it all the time, I needed the illusion that I was giving my stomach something to digest.). I just feel so good. It's been too long since I've been able to honestly say that.