Honesty

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I know. But I have been working through some stuff and journaling, which seems to take the place of blogging, unfortunately. These past few weeks I have set up appointments, and kept them. My mom has been by my side through it all so far, so it is only appropriate that she has been accompanying me to my recent visits with these professionals. I was afraid at first that this would make me feel…infantilized or something, but having her support so far has been wonderful. I think it has also been important for her to be there when I am meeting with doctors, so she can listen and hear what they are really saying. Sometimes my brain likes to take what people tell me and insinuate things that they never intended.

My first appointment was with a dietitian that I had worked with once before. She really seems to “get” me, and I like her personality…she was one of the only professionals I could think of that I would trust to help me begin my journey to recovery. Trust with me and health professionals is iffy at best, so this was a huge decision for me. Another huge decision was what doctor to see. I have had some issues in the past with doctors, and abuse of power…I could rant for a while about that, and I won’t right now. Another time. I made my decision, and I hope I can stick with this doctor, but who knows. I had a lot of blood taken and an EKG done, and I am hoping they come back OK, because otherwise I feel like I am pretty much screwed as far as local help goes. Last time I had tests done, they came back fine…but that was several years ago. If you pray, please pray for me. I have already begun to have nightmares like I used to have when I was being somewhat “forced” to find help, and that is a sure sign of major anxiety for me.

Overall, I feel fine. I know that this is no indication of what might be happening inside of me, but I hope in this case, it holds true. I know it’s dumb to be so worried about test results when I then turn around and keep restricting…which is why in the past few days I have tried to be good about telling myself it starts today. What am I working  towards? Recovery and weight gain. How do I get there? Eating. Eating and eating. But the bridge from the knowledge of what I need to do, is hard to cross. I can think about it all I want, but actually doing it means I have to deal with all of the feelings that go along with it.  Bridge…not being crossed. It’s too hard, too dangerous, my brain hurts, I don’t wanna think about it. But I have to! And I’m getting there…I’m getting there. And if you don’t understand how this brain gap works, here’s a little food for thought (hah! see what I did there?): Liken it to someone who is addicted to drugs, or alcohol…or anything really. They know what they are doing is bad for them. They know there might be consequences, but it is so much easier to just give in and keep doing the thing that they are doing, because not only does it make them feel good, secure, happy…momentarily…it also is so much easier to keep doing whatever it is, because of the pattern it creates. You’ve already forged a path, so it’s easier to stay on it than to stray from it. The addiction is stronger than the desire to change. And so on it goes…

It’s so easy to say you’ll change tomorrow, or next week…but it has to change today. It just does. Because every moment you waste, you are losing ground, losing time, losing the foothold you have, or could have. You lose the power over this if you don’t stop it…so stop it. ASAP. The first step has been taken…it only gets harder from here. But you can do this.

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