Most days I have a game plan. Whether I have obsessed over it or not, in my mind, I have an idea of what I will consume. I have become an expert at this over the years, whittling my decision-making down to almost nothing. The things that disrupt my plans are few and far between, but they do pop up. After all, some days I happen to be put into a situation where a meal is served that I didn’t expect, or a snack is offered. Then what do I do? I analyze and compute. Calculate and break down. I sneak peaks at nutrition labels, and measure with my eyes and hands. Most days I now what I will have for breakfast, lunch, snacks, and sometimes dinner…I often know these things weeks or months in advance, because I don’t often deviate from my meal choices. I am comfortable with what I eat and like it to stay that way. In some ways this feels like a good thing, a healthy thing. I don’t have to obsess about my food choices as much, which is not only a complete waste of time, but also a habit that I associate with my OCD behaviors. Why not cut that out if I can?
On the other hand, this behavior is obviously so OCD, that my last statement is laughable. Who, other than a compulsive freak, would eat the same lunch for years on end? Who else would measure their breakfast cereal, and then decide they might have added one Cheerio too many, so slip a few back into the box before pouring the milk. Who else would refuse to have ketchup on their hamburgers, butter on their grilled cheese, extra cheese on their pizza? I know I have weird habits, and I will own them. I know they are not always healthy, and that is something I work on daily. But on a good day, when I don’t have to fight myself over what I am eating or what I have let pass my lips earlier in the day…I feel almost normal. Even though I know what I am consuming is not what most people would view as normal. Even though a nutritionist would cluck her tongue and shake her head at my food choices. Some of these habits and rituals are what get me through the day. I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me. Most days I eat what I do, because it is what I can handle. Analyzing and counting calories is exhausting, and it;s not healthy, so to avoid it, I eat what I can feel all right about.