I really don’t want to write this post, but at the same time, I know I should. Of course, I journal and share all of my myriad problems there, but something about making public, the things I deal with daily, helps me feel genuine and honest. So, here it goes.
On Sunday I was really craving a burger and fries. I kept thinking I would go get some “if”. If I am hungry later. If I finish this book. If he comes home before 6:00. If he asks if I want to go get something to eat. I did finish the book, but the rest of the things didn’t really happen. What did happen was: I went out and got a burger. And onion rings. Now, I know that onion rings are delicious at first, but after a while the batter starts to get too rich for my stomach, and my taste buds starts to protest. They say “this is so yummmmmy!” and my gut says “gronghgknjg”. Obviously, my intestines are imploring me to stop. So, I ate about half of the onion rings, and a whole burger. I was really wanting fries though. So why didn’t I get fries? Because. Just because.
No, to be honest? I got onion rings because I know they have fewer calories than the fries. Even though the crispy golden french fries sounded better, and probably wouldn’t make me feel sick…I went for thing that had fewer calories. And then. Then…I went home and started to berate myself for what I had just done. I didn’t need that meal. I could have just had a sandwich and chips at home. I could have avoided the guilt and decisions that went into eating those things. Why didn’t I just skip out on what my body was wanting, and eat something at home, where I could find something almost as pleasing and not as scary?
I like to think I went out and got my burger and rings to help me heal. I admit, as I pulled into the parking lot at the fast food restaurant, I spoke aloud to myself…“It’s ok, you can buy a meal for yourself. You can eat a burger and onion rings. You need this. It’s ok” and if anyone were to have heard me, they probably would have thought I was a lunatic. Which is fine, because I know I am. So that’s what happened Sunday. And now on Monday I’m feeling a little better, almost as if yesterday wasn’t real. Is this because I know that today I will be “better” with my food intake? Because I will only eat foods that pass my scrupulous rules? Probably. But I am going to do my best not to restrict in any areas today. After all, according to me, the crazy skinny girl who is afraid of food “you can eat a burger and onion rings. It’s ok”.