Once I was diagnosed with anorexia (or an EDNOS, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) I began half-heartedly attempting to become “healthy” again. Unfortunately, in my mind, “healthy” translated into low calorie, thin, low fat, exercise…and every move I made had to fit into a category in my mind that was pre-approved. I can only imagine the supreme frustration my mom felt at having to deal with me and my shenanigans. I was frustrated enough with myself, and I was doing this. Frustration abounded. Frustration was all around.
One thing that has stuck with me throughout everything is my sense of feeling full. Some days my stomach feels so huge, like I could eat and eat and still feel hungry. Other mornings I wake up and don’t feel like I need to eat anything. I will eat a little something and my tummy will feel stretched and distended. This is something tough I have to deal with, because of my difficulty of distinguishing feelings from reality. I’m not saying how I feel isn’t real, but sometimes it’s not accurate. Let me explain how this works: I was once out to eat at McDonald’s and saw a large man ordering a meal. I saw his large belly and wondered how he could be so hungry, if he was so fat. This is obviously a really dumb observation and thought. I mean, everyone, no matter what their size, gets hungry. He was probably wondering how a girl my size could eat so little. Anyway, to make my point clear…when I feel full, I feel fat. When I am hungry, I feel skinny. Somehow these feelings have gotten twisted up and contorted into something that is right and wrong. I know this, but it is so hard to fight how I feel. This is the fat-o-meter running full force. It’s my brain trying to tell my body that it doesn’t need fuel, even though it actually does.
Take tonight for example. I was feeling pretty full, but wanted something really yummy to eat. I was debating about having pizza, but I was also sensing that my monsters were on the prowl, and they wouldn’t be letting me go so easily. I fought with myself for an hour or two, and finally decided to go with the pizza. Because life is too short to not eat pizza. And I needed it, to be healthy on the inside and the outside, and in my brain too. I’m dealing with a little bit of backlash from my mind right now. The voices are telling me I’ll have to cut back tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day though. And tonight, this girl had pizza.