It’s funny, for so many years I was this girl who wanted to be tough on the outside, and the inside, but was neither. I was tough when it came to food and not eating, but when it was something emotional or, well, pretty much anything…I was kind of a mess. I was timid and shy. I was afraid to voice my opinions or thoughts, for fear of someone cutting me down. But as I get older, I have realized that I don’t have to rely on other people to tell me who I should be. Or, maybe I finally looked at myself, saw show I was, and thought “I’m already weird, why not be weirder?”. I’m not sure.
What I do know for sure is; I am no longer afraid to talk to people. I can carry on a conversation with patrons who come into the library, just like a normal person. Where before, the prospect of asking someone if they liked a book made me want to cower in a corner, now, I actually enjoy it. If they don’t want to talk about their experience with Jodi Picoult, or Chris Bohjalian, they don’t have to. But if they do, I want to hear it. I’m not so afraid to put myself into social situations where I could have to speak one-on-one for an extended period of time to someone I know, or used to know. I almost welcome it. If I had to take a driving test now, and I failed? I would not let it phase me. I wouldn’t cry endlessly about what a failure I was, and worry that I would never pass my driving test. Maybe it’s just age. Maybe it’s a change in me that has happened slowly as I grew up, and usually happens to other people sooner. I don’t know really. I’m just glad I became me, even though most days, I don’t really like who I am. I guess I have come to the conclusion that I am stuck with what I am, unless I want to be like Bruce Jenner and get a whole entire makeover and become someone I most definitely am not.