I was thinking today, about how I have always craved a feeling of safety. I’ve never wanted anyone to come right out and say “I’m protecting you!” but the need for someone to be a fortress and a shelter from the storm has been really obvious for most of my life. I get anxious about things, I get controlling, and I think I have to do everything for myself, or something will go terribly wrong. I guess you could say I have trust issues. Major trust issues (in other areas too, maybe I’ll touch on those at another time).
I’ve always wanted to be that free-spirited person who just does what they want, and their life is fulfilling and happy. If they want to get out of town for a day, they do it. If a movie sounds good, they go to the theater and see it. Oh, ice cream sure sounds delicious…they make a trip to Dairy Queen. I can’t do that (or maybe a better way of saying it is I don’t). See, there is all of this guilt inside me. I’m not sure where it came from, or why it stays around. If I decide to go somewhere, I have to earn it, or have a really good reason to go there in the first place. Even trips to Wal-Mart have a little bit of the guilt in them. Anything that is out of my way, that I am doing for myself triggers it. It’s annoying, to say the least.
I can remember being at home when I was younger, and using up the last drop of my face wash…and acknowledging that I wouldn’t bother to buy more, I’d use that other brand that my sister had discarded last week, due to the fact that it made her skin itch. I’d look longingly at the yogurt at the grocery store, lined up perfectly in their neat little containers, but pass them by, figuring I didn’t need them. I’d buy maybe one new bra every year and a half. Same with my socks (actually, I tried to darn my socks when they got holes…seriously, I was that bad). It was like anything I could deny myself, I would.
Part if it, I think, was not wanting to spend my parents money. Not all of it though. I knew my parents would be more than happy to be me new socks. I just didn’t feel deserving. And I think that has definitely carried over into my eating disorder. I’m slowly trying to get over these little things. These habits that are ingrained into me…but it’s tough. I have to be very patient with myself. Guilt is a powerful master. I’m going to try to start challenging myself to be kind to me, and others. Be generous to myself. I think this is all part of the healing process, and that in the end, all of my struggles will only make me stronger.