The hardest thing

Here I am on Saturday morning…or technically it’s afternoon, and I am typing out these words and drinking a Snapple. A diet peach Snapple to be exact. And let me tell you; this is the hardest thing I have done this week. I think. Now, before you think I am too deranged, let me explain: liquid calories are one of the things I am most fearful of. I don’t really know where this started. I have seen other girls who are going through an eating disorder declaring that liquids are their least fearful source of nourishment. It’s never been that way for me. From the beginning, diet sodas and Propel Zero have been my best friends and my guiltiest pleasures. I know these beverages have little to no benefit to me, that in fact they are probably more detrimental to my health and recovery than not. But they are one of the few things I can ingest without questioning them first. Heck, I can’t even chew a piece of gum without having second thoughts, that’s what I’m working with here. So, today, I decided to have a beverage that has very few calories, but does have some. (I even chose the one that had 10 calories per bottle instead of 5…yay me! Haha.)The fact that I’m even having this Snapple and a snack bar, is progress. I wouldn’t have “allowed” this a month ago. I’m making small steps, even when the dumbest things are the hardest things.

I think it might all be a matter of perspective. After all, if I look at it this way: why is it easier for me to eat a hamburger than it is for me to drink something with a minimal amount of calories; then maybe I can jump hurdles easier. One of my problems is ritualism. Rituals and habits. I cling to them like a monkey clinging to a vine in the jungle. They comfort me and make me feel taken care of. But you know, after I opened my Snapple and took a sip, I thought two things “this is pretty good” and “why am I drinking this? I could have had…..instead!” But guess which thought came first? “This is pretty good!” Which is a tiny step in the right direction. Because a month ago, I would have had a regretful thought first. And then I would have started berating myself for my choice. And then I probably would have restricted somewhere later in the day…and it wouldn’t be until a week later that I would see a Snapple on a shelf in Wal-Mart and think “oh yeah, that was pretty good!”19ca31ccd34bda19641ed4a1069ef81e

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