Write your life

I have had so many thoughts and feelings running around inside me over the past several days. I took a couple of vacation days to make a long weekend, and I spent my time off reading and going on a few little road trips (which involved stops at two libraries and a bookmobile!). So with all of my free time, I started wondering about what I would do if I had more free time. Like, if I didn’t have a job. d9dd9dc73a8cbc26c4e7342a3e789659One of the most pressing thoughts I’ve been having is what makes me feel like, well, me? What makes me happy, how would I spend my days if I were my best self? Am I happiest alone, reading in a little nook or cranny? What about being in a library, full to the brim of books? This pondering then leads me to: why am I always striving to find this “happiness?” And is that happy place a myth? Am I already there? Because, to be honest, I have an amazing life. I work at a library, people. I read all the time. I no longer force myself to exercise, just because I feel like I need to, to burn off those extra calories that never even existed in the first place. And yet…

And yet, there is always that idea in my head that I am lacking something. That if only I could do this, or live like that. If only I could linger over a cup of coffee in a coffee shop several times a week. If only I could go to a party and hang out with friends. If only I were real. Then, finally, I would be content. I don’t know why I have this yearning. I think it comes, partially, from all of the reading I do. The characters I read about in books always have a story to tell. They all have some adventure they are on, of some sort. They have the whole world at their fingertips. But wait, don’t I have the same plot and story line they do? After all, an author had to craft their story…why can’t I become my own author? What is holding me back, and why do I always feel like I’m a fake, that my life is just something I am doing on auto pilot?

Advertisements

One thought on “Write your life

  1. I find it funny that you mention not feeling “real”, because I’ve mentioned before to my husband “I wonder what it feels like to be real!” before. Which, really, I have no idea what that even means! lol

    Of course, we must be the real ones, as we don’t live in books but the real world! I think that’s why some of the homeschoolers I knew weren’t allowed to read romance books as teens, even the Christian romance, because their parents thought it gave them unrealistic expectations of what “romance” is.

    As the skin horse says:
    ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
    ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s