“When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake.” This is a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time. In some ways, I can relate. In others, I can’t. I know that the insomnia I have dealt with is nothing compared to what some people experience. Sometimes insomnia is like a tsunami…a natural thing I can’t escape. And I hate it and fear it. Other times, like recent days, it is something I don’t mind as much. If I can’t sleep, I get up early and read or do things that I just haven’t made time for yet. When I was in the darkest throes of my disease, sleep was a tonic that I drunk deeply of every night. I spent a good portion of my day thinking about sleep, and sometimes I was so tired that I could hardly function. I can remember several years ago, I would go to work, eat a smidgen of food, and just lie in bad, in a dizzying, coma-like state. Time would pass, but it had no meaning to me. I was basically a dead girl walking. Within the last few months, I have been consuming enough fuel to keep me going, but I was always on the verge of collapse. I had to force myself to be in a pleasant mood, even though I am on an antidepressant. I would climb a flight of stairs, and just want to sit down in an easy chair for the rest of the day. Now, my body has an abundance of energy. I feel so wound up most of the time, ready to live, not sleep. Unfortunately, this is probably a negative thing in a way. I need to conserve energy to heal, not use it all up before the sun even rises! I try to get the sleep I need, and right now I am doing all right, but I hope my lack of ability to sleep doesn’t become too much of an issue. I have always appreciated sleep, sometimes too much, and sometimes just enough. I hope I can learn balance and moderation in this part of my life too. Food, sleep, patience. Balance. Patience.