It’s amazing how much I feel the need to write when I feeling depressed and alone. And then when I feel happier and more content, the urge dissipates. Today felt like a good day. I got errands run, got free coffee, cheap pizza, and now I am reading before I make my way to my warm bed. I need to learn to be content more often.
Sadness tastes metallic and bites hard. It is exhaustion and depression mixed together, like mixing flour and buttermilk for biscuits. It feels so lonely and resolute.
It’s not just a lack of light. The room is dark. But I feel it flowing from you. I feel that you despise me. That you hate every action I take. I imagine you mocking my rituals and habits. We don’t speak, but I hear every word you say. The silence cuts deeper than a knife. I am so alone. And it makes me wonder.
There’s a quote floating around about regrets. Something like “never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted”. I’m trying to remember this these days. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here. Why I made the decisions I did. Because right now they look pretty darn stupid.
I have proof! Good days do roll around every now and then. Today was A. Good. Day. And sometimes that is all I can ask for.
Though today is Valentine’s Day, I can’t help thinking how my heart hurts. I swear, some days I am sure I am breathing my last. Due to stress, lack of nutrients, and sadness and depression. I wish I could help myself or let others help me, but I can’t. I am alone in this battle and alone I will be, until I allow someone else in.
If sleep is for the weak, I am a supremely weak human being. On days when I don’t have to be at work until 1:00, I sleep until around 11:30. I climb into bed around 10:30 or 11:00 each night, my body and mind reveling in the notion that I get to sleep the sweet sleep of an innocent human. Sleep is one of the only times I can escape from the stress, and yet even when I am asleep, my life creeps in. Nightmares are present, or my back hurts so horribly I can’t get comfortable. This is the life I have chosen. This is the pathetic life.
Today I had coffee. With creamer. And fake sugar. Today was a good day.
Is it the winter air seeping in? Or is it my body crying out in agony? My bones ache with a palpable pain down to my very toes. I stand and feel my spine quiver with pain. My knobbly knees splinter with the weight of my tiny frame balanced upon them. I am slowly breaking down, bit by bit. Every piece of skin that flakes from my person. Every blink of my eye. Every bite I do not take.
I awake at an absurd hour. My mind and body are occupied for a time with work and a steady stream of water. Then the clock hits 11:00, and my shift is done. Sipping steaming tea my stomach is insatiable. 2:00 rolls around and my insides are squirming, begging to be fed and yet defeating the thought. My mouth waters at the idea of a container of yogurt. Lemon. The zing and zap of flavors hits my tongue and I am immediately wanting (needing) more. The hunger has been momentarily abated.